


She Left

by victriestowritestuff



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's about how suicide affects her close friends, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Non-Chronological, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, but i like it, how people deal with it, idk please read, it's three parts and real short, suicide fall out, this is something i wrote a while ago, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 19:35:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14315682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victriestowritestuff/pseuds/victriestowritestuff
Summary: When she left, she left a broken boy.Before she left, she arrived in new and old ways.After she left, the people she left behind were beaten and scarred.ORVivian was the most vibrant girl Adrian knew. She was amazing, and he loved everything about her. But then, she left. And now he and the friends she left behind are trying to navigate life without her.





	1. When She Left

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE SUICIDE OR DEPRESSION TRIGGERS
> 
> I wrote this a while ago, but I edited it and decided to publish it recently. I hope you enjoy.

When she left, she left a broken boy.

He picked himself up off the floor. His mom called out from beside him, but he could barely hear her. She was gone. He felt the tears leave his eyes and flow down his face. He sat down on his bed, focusing on folding his hands in his lap. She’s gone. The phrase repeated over and over in his mind. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. He felt a fresh wave of tears coat his face. He barely choked out “Alone,” and saw his mom leave the room in his peripheral. 

He let out a feral sound. Halfway between a scream and yell, it ripped at his vocal chords. It ripped through whatever resolve he had left. He crumpled into a ball on his bed, the pain engulfing him. How could she do this to me? How could she leave me, here? He tried to think of why. Why had she done this? Had she thought of what it would do to him? Had she thought of how it would kill him? 

She had, he decided. And she must have been so hurt that she didn’t, or couldn’t, care. He got up off the bed. Mechanically, he got water, and sat at the kitchen table, staring blankly into the clear depths. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. It echoed through him, a mantra of pain and suffering. 

 

He spent the next several days in a trance. A daze, if you will. He chuckled to himself as he made the joke in his mind, but the smile quickly dissolved off his face. She’s gone. It felt like the rivets down his cheeks were permanent, a canal waiting for the water to flow. 

“Hey.” Alex walked up next to him. They took a few steps, as synchronized as they had been since the age of five. He hugged the books closer to his chest.

“Hey.” He replied. The word held a thousand inside of it. It said how he was breaking. It said how he was screaming every second inside. It said how he wanted to curl up in a ball, how he wanted to just erase his existence. 

“Did you do the trig homework?” Alex asked. He meant: Did you do anything except sob and drown yourself in Netflix last night? 

“I didn’t finish it.” I was five minutes in before thinking about her. 

“You can copy mine in Homeroom.” It’s okay. We’ll get through this.

“Ok.” 

 

It’s time that he was given a name. Adrian. He had loved her, and everyone had known. She had only learned the fact a few months before. He had felt like his whole life had led up to her. And now… now he didn’t know what his life was anymore. 

 

When he came to school the first day after she left, her best friend had a lifeless look about her. The dark circles against her pale skin were more pronounced. Her hair was wild and looked as if she hadn’t showered in days. But the eyes, the eyes were the real tell. Everything else could be attributed to the exams that were starting. But her eyes looked into you, and told you that there was nothing you could do to help her. Adrian had looked to her for solace, but all he found was apathy. She could not be helped, and she couldn’t help others. 

Now, as she walked into the classroom, he couldn’t help but think she looked worse. Worse at what, he couldn’t tell. There was something in the way that she pulled her sleeves down. Something in the way that she hunched impossibly further into her shoulders. Something in the way that as she walked, she didn’t make eye contact with a single person in the room. He looked back onto the sheet of paper he was copying. Number after number. The monotony of life without her made her feel as if he could compress himself into a tiny cube, living out the rest of his short life.

 

It’s time she was given a name. Vivian. The girl who was full of life. She had lived it to the fullest, until… until she hadn’t anymore. 

 

He walked through the door, a sea of squeaky floors and sweaty bodies populating the space in front of him. “Hey, Adrian!” someone called. The basketball shorts covering part of his spindly legs felt not enough. 

“Hayes!” His coach called. “20 laps!”

He fell in line, running next to Alex. “Coach is pissed, you haven’t shown up for practice all week.”

“I guess I haven’t felt up to it.” Adrian replied. The other boy gave Adrian a concerned look, making him want to throw up. “But, I’m here now.”

“Adrian, you’re the best on this damn team,” Alex paused to pant a breath. “We need you for regionals, and if you don’t train, you won’t be at your best.”

“Ok, ok, I’ll come to practice.” Alex raised an eyebrow in response. “And, I’ll see you at six tomorrow for the extra training you’re doing.”

They turn the rest of practice into a race. Alex had been getting faster for several months now. At their last meet, Viv– He shook his head at the sound of her name in his mind, earning himself another concerned look from Alex. Adrian pushed himself, putting a bit of distance between him and Alex, but was caught up to in a matter of seconds. Either Alex has seriously improved, or I am intensely out of shape. He pushed himself further, and Alex wasn’t able to keep up. Not improved so much. 

“Dammit, Adrian.” Alex leaned down next to him on the bench. “You’re still better than me.” And, in an act that caused Alex to jump back slightly, Adrian laughed. No full-on guffaw, but the chuckle that came out of him was unmistakable. 

 

Adrian spent the rest of the night in alternating questions of himself. I can laugh? Does that mean I can recover? But how can I laugh without her? How can I feel the short burst of joy when she’s not on this earth anymore? His bed welcomed him, and he pulled himself under his warm comforter. And yet, he couldn’t escape his own mind. What is going to become of me? Why do I have to forget, for even a split second, her to be happy? Why can’t I just be happy? But what kind of person am I if I can be happy?

Try as he might, he couldn’t get her out of his head. He wanted her to laugh with him. He wanted her to cry with him. He wanted her to hug him. He wanted to hug her back and tell her how beautiful she was, inside and out. He just wanted to be able to love her, pure and beautiful.

But he couldn’t.

And maybe that’s why she left.


	2. Before She Left

Before she left, she arrived in new and old ways.

She ran across the quad, draping herself on Eden’s shoulder. “Eden, we have a problem.”

The other girl raised an eyebrow. “Vivian, I think we might need a solution.”

Vivian let out a laugh like a bubbling stream, her body leaning against Eden’s as she put her whole body into it. When she smiled, it took up her whole face, even when it was just a smirk. “But seriously, I need your help.”

“What’s going on?” Eden asked. 

“A boy.” Vivian responded solemnly. She bit her lip nervously, and Eden could tell she really liked the boy in question. 

“Who is it?” Eden chuckled at the other girl’s obvious nervousness. 

“Adrian.” She replied, a slight redness coloring her cheeks. She absentmindedly chewed on her lip, no doubt visualizing him in her mind. 

“Oooo,” Eden drew out the syllable in a sing-song voice. “He’s a cutie.” Not that I would know. “So, what’s the problem, Houston?”

“The problem,” Vivian paused. “Is that I can’t talk to him? I’m always so put together–” Eden snorts her contradiction. “Oh, fuck off. I am so put together.”

“Right…” Eden retorted sarcastically. “Like the time whe–”

“Now, now, we don’t have to go into specifics.” Vivian put a hand out in front of her in a defensive motion. “We all have flaws. But usually, I’m at least mostly put together–” another snort, “Ok, I’m at least somewhat put together. But around him, I’m a mess. Like, tripping over my words, and feet. I’m 100% sure that I turn to the color of a beet. How do you hide a crush?”

Ha, Eden thought, what an ironic question to ask me. “Well, I’ve been hiding a rather large crush or a number of years now, so I guess I could give you a few tips.” It was now Vivian’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “No, I’m not going to tell you. But, try being around him, eventually, either the crush will fade, or you’ll get to be around him a lot, and eventually it’ll be normal.”

“That is… horrible advice.” Vivian replied. “Like, ‘How to not get a guy’ type advice. I’m trying to get out of the friend zone, Eden! Not securely in it!”

“It’s cozy in here, I’ve decorated and added lots of fun pillows.” Eden joked, and Vivian laughed again. “If you want to get out of the friend zone, why not ask him out?”

She turned to look Eden dead in the eyes. “Wait, what?”

Eden shrugged and looked away. “Y’know, ask him out. It’s not the eighteenth century anymore. ‘Hey, Adrian, want to go see a movie sometime?’ ‘Adrian, want to grab coffee?’ ‘Hi, Adrian, I was wondering if–”

“Shut up!” Vivian exclaimed, cutting the other girl off. “I know what asking out means. But I’m not going to do it.”

“Why not?”

“Because that kind of thing is embarrassing.” She said. “Admitting your feelings, it’s all… mushy.”

“Do you want me to do it for you?” Eden replied, her eyebrow raised so high she worried it might disappear. She looked around, “Oh, there he is now! Hey, Adrian–” She started to call out, before a hand was slapped onto her mouth. 

“Shut. Up!” Vivian hissed, but it was too late. Adrian had heard her, and, spotting them, started to walk over, Alex trailing a few steps behind. 

“Hey, Alex.” Eden greeted. “How’s life going?” 

“Good.” He replied, shrugging. “You?”

“Hanging in there.” Alex nodded in response. “Adrian, how are you?”

“Wai–wh–oh, I’m good.” A flush crept up his neck as he tripped over his words, his eyes breaking from Vivian’s. Eden exchanged a look with Alex, these two are so clueless. They both looked back to Adrian, who was opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish. So, so, clueless. “Hey, uh, Vivian, I’ve been wanting to ask you something.” Alex and Eden looked back at each other, eyes widening. Is it actually happening? “Would you, um, want to go out sometime?”

“Like, on a date?” Vivian responded, and Eden couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“Yeah.” Adrian said, fiddling with the end of his sleeve.

“Yeah, sure.” Vivian replied, looking to Eden with an almost gleeful expression on her face. Eden fought to keep a sarcastic one off of her’s. When Vivian left to walk to class with Adrian, Eden sidled up next to Alex.

“So, how’s the friend zone?” She asked, stealing one of the pretzels he was eating. 

He gave her a warning glance about the pretzel, and replied, “Horrible, as always.”

“He has no idea?”

“She has no idea?”

“Touché.” Eden went for another pretzel, but was blocked by Alex’s waiting hand. They both looked back to the couple walking a few yards ahead of them. “Straight people, am I right?”

“You are most definitely right.” He popped another pretzel in his mouth. “They didn’t see us coming, but we’ve been hiding for years, so that’s understandable.”

“But each other?” Eden added, tsking. “Really?” Alex just shook his head.

“I don’t know how, or when, but Adrian got the idea that I liked you.” Eden laughed at this, shoving Alex in the shoulder.

“As if.” She replied, rolling her eyes. “I’m pretty sure Vivian has the same idea.”

“If they start shipping us, I swear to God, I will puke.” Alex said, miming the retch.

“You’re disgusting.” Eden shook her head.

“You know it.” 

They took the rest of the walk to Homeroom in silence, both contemplating their crushes. Their feelings were not theirs’ to control, so they hid, coming out into the light only with the other. They both wanted desperately something they couldn’t have, but they had each other to confide in. At least they had that, or when she left, Eden might not have made it.


	3. After She Left

After she left, the people she left behind were beaten and scarred.

When he had been told, Alex hadn’t thought of himself. He hadn’t thought of who she was to him. He had thought of who she had been to Adrian and Eden. He had thought of how at this moment, Adrian was going to crumple to either his bed or the floor next to it. He had thought about how he would lay in his bed for hours, thinking about what life would be like without her. He had thought of how Eden would bury her face in a pillow and scream. He had thought about the water she would sip because of her shredded vocal chords. He had thought about how she would drown herself in music and cat hair, screaming whenever she had any way to do so.

He hadn’t thought of how he was supposed to be crying right now. But Alex hadn’t wanted to cry. He had wanted to bring Eden some ice cream and hot tea, and watch hours and hours of Glee with her. He had wanted to bring Adrian fresh baked s’mores cookies and sit with him and talk about the Olympic track team. But he couldn’t. And that’s what broke him. 

Walking to Homeroom now, for the first time in weeks he thought of that day out on the quad. When he and Eden had made their best friends get together. That day, nothing was perfect for him nor Eden. But for Vivian and Adrian, it was bliss. For the first time in weeks, he thought of how he and Eden had sat in her attic later that day, lamenting to each other what they couldn’t lament to their best friends. He walked in the door. Eden was curled up in a chair in the corner, sketchpad in hand. Under her eyes were still charcoal curves, but for the first time in weeks, her hair looked clean. It was pulled up into a messy bun, but the jet black waves had the distinctive sheen of damp hair. 

He walked up to her and sat down in the desk next to her’s. 

“Hey.” He said, and she looked up, as though noticing him for the first time. “Eden, can we hang out? 4 o’clock, the Friend Zone?” It was their place, her attic. She looked down at her sketchpad, so he added “I’ll bring the booze.” Her lips curved up a fraction, and she gave the most miniscule of nods.

 

He knocked on the door to her house, plastic grocery bag in hand. Eden’s mom opened the door, and welcomed him inside. There was no “keep the door open”, Eden and Alex had been friends since kindergarten.

Alex climbed up the steep staircase to the attic. “You’re late.” Eden said as he took his customary spot on a pillow next to the tiny window.

“‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.’” Alex replied without skipping a beat.

“The thing is, you’re not a wizard.” Eden countered. Her legs were curled up against her, and she had traded her black jeans and leather jacket ensemble for a pair of leggings and an oversized sweater. 

“But I’ve got the booze.” He said, holding up the grocery bag. Inside was a pint each of Cherry Garcia, Chocolate Therapy, and Brownie Batter Core, two plastic spoons, and a Thermos of green tea. She grabbed her laptop and queued up Netflix. 

“Where were we last?” Eden asked.

“Season 4, episode 7.” Alex replied. 

 

They watched and ate ice cream for the next four hours, until Eden’s mom yelled up that it was time for Eden to eat dinner and for Alex to go home. He loaded up the trash and climbed down the ladder. As he ducked into the kitchen to throw away the empty ice cream kartens, he earned himself a silent thank you from Eden’s mother.

“I’ll text you.” Alex called to her as he stepped out the door. She nodded, and for the first time in weeks, he saw her smile.

 

The next day was a Saturday, and Alex stopped by Eden’s on his way to the park to train. She opened the door and looked at his athletic attire bewilderedly.

“Will you be my timekeeper?” He asked.

“Do I get to yell at you for being ‘slow’?” She put air-quotes around the last word. 

“Sure,” Alex said with a smirk. “I need some incentive.” She chuckled.

“I’ll get some shoes on.” She disappeared briefly, returning with blue Vans.

They ran (or shouted) for the better part of an hour, until Alex sat down on a bench, exhausted.

“You’re doing pretty good there, Hayes.” It had been a joke between them for years to call him by Adrian’s last name, as if they were married.

“I’m not quite ‘Hayes’ level yet.” He replied, taking a sip of water.

“You will be in no time at all, if I have anything to say about it.” Eden said.

“Do you have anything to say about it?” Alex asked.

“Why, yes, in fact, I do.” She smiled at him. “Now get back out there.”

 

They hung out like this for the next several weeks, Alex training with Adrian in the morning, and Eden in the afternoon. On Fridays he would go to the Friend Zone, on Saturdays his track meets kept him busy. And for once, he actually felt happy. Adrian and Eden were the two best friends he could ask for, and he was helping them to heal. It was a long process, but anything he could do, he did.

 

On one Friday, instead of going straight up to her attic, Eden led him to her room. “There’s something I want to show you.” Her room was the same as it had always been, a realm of organized chaos. Her light blue walls had sketches taped up all over them, and her desk had charcoals and pencils strewn all over it.

“It took me a while to get the glint of her eye right.” Eden said as she rummaged through some portfolios. “But once I got that down, I was able to capture her perfectly.” She opened a folder and pulled out a piece of sketch paper. 

“Wow.” Alex breathed. It was… amazing. It was Vivian, captured in her full life. The gentle contour of her cheekbones, and the way the sun glistened off her hair. There was one where her head was thrown back laughing, and Alex could practically hear the bubbling brook that came out of her body.

This was how Eden was healing. The art was breathtaking, and she had poured her soul into it. Through each stroke of a pencil or charcoal Eden had flooded the paper with her love for Vivian. And it was beautiful.


End file.
